April 18, 2025

Last year’s Holy Thursday Mass was a major turning point in my life. Having worked in Catholic ministry and education for almost twenty years, I have heard a lot of vocations stories. In fact, at the time, my best friend was a priest.

However, there was something about the way Fr Evan preached about his journey to the priesthood. It was spoken with such love and conviction for the Eucharist and for the people of God, that it made me realize that some people can speak words but not believe or live what is coming out of their mouth. Other’s speak from a place so deep and real that you can feel their authenticity. That’s what last year’s Holy Thursday did for me.

Fr. Evan’s conviction was the call-to-action I didn’t know I needed.

His story and passion set off a chain reaction of examining some of my friendships, my marriage, as well as my own day-to-day life for its authenticity. Was I practicing what I preached? Was I putting into action the life I knew that God was calling me to…and was capable of if only I made a few difficult changes?

Last Holy Thursday I ugly cried so hard behind my camera lens because I knew there were going to be some big choices in my very new future and I was so, so, so scared of letting go and letting God.

About six weeks after last Holy Thursday my body was telling me something my brain knew I should do, but my heart still wasn’t ready to let go. This struggle manifested in debilitation panic attacks. When I called upon the aforementioned best friend, he blew off my experiences, fiend concern, and deflected his accountability. It was the kiss from Judas that no one ever wants to receive.

In the scariest and bravest moment of my life, I said goodbye to my friend for the very last time. I hoped and prayed he would make reparations, but he has yet to resurface. I didn’t know then but I know now, that sometimes we have to let people make choices from themselves and deal with their own consequences. This hurt. It forced me to turn inward and continue to ask those very hard questions that came up during Holy Week 2024.

Then, this year, after surviving a year of the worst heartbreak I’ve ever known, 3 types of therapy, a ton of reading, even more quiet time & journaling, I had an amazing realization this week:

Saying “no” to someone of my past allowed me to say “yes” to so many incredible experiences, opportunities, and friendships this year.

In the last year so many beautiful doors have opened in my life that never would have if I was still clinging to the false intimacy of a friendship with Judas.

This evening’s Holy Thursday Mass was celebrated by Fr. Tamiru, but Fr. Evan was the master of ceremonies. Together they delivered one of the most beautiful liturgies I’ve ever experienced. It revialized my soul.

The familiar ritual of the Holy Thursday Mass allowed me to see the stark contrast of myself a year ago vs how far I’ve come this year. I could see that God was carrying me through so many Very. Hard. Days.

I am so thankful, dear friend, for the witness of love you have brought to my life this last year that has changed me forever. Fr. Evan, you are one of the many lights that has carried me out of this fog and I am forever grateful for your witness to light, love, and hope.

Peace be with all of you,

Elizabeth Buergler